Stump the Pastor 5: How Do I Overcome Lust?
There are many ways to answer this question, because every situation is a little different, so I'll speak into a few different scenarios. But first, I want you to know that if this question is on your heart, you are not alone. Even the most faithful among us have wrestled with this. King David, in all his faithfulness, righteousness, and splendor, fell into this sin in the hardest way possible. From peeping tom, to adulterer, to cover-up murderer.
Even the greatest king of Israel fell short in this battle, and most Christians will too, at some point in their lives. It may not be to the extent of David's fall from grace, but most Christians have had encounters with porn. Many Christians have had sex outside of marriage. All Christians have looked at someone with a desire meant only for their spouse. All of us are guilty of this sin in some form.
Jesus raises the bar even higher than our actions: He says that whoever looks at another person with lustful intent has already committed adultery in his heart (Matthew 5:27–28). By that standard, none of us is innocent.
So perhaps the place to start isn't with our failure, but with the gospel. You are forgiven. You are restored. You are cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Not partially, and not on a payment plan, but completely. This isn't a loophole that excuses the sin; it's the only solid ground you can actually stand on while you fight it.
The same David who fell into adultery and murder also wrote Psalm 51, begging God to create in him a clean heart, and God did. Scripture later calls David a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22), not because he was sinless, but because he kept running back to God instead of away from Him.
1 John 1:9 promises that when we confess our sin, God forgives us and washes us clean, every time. Romans 8:1 says that for those who are in Christ, there is no more condemnation hanging over them. None of this erases the consequences of sin in this life, and it doesn't make lust any less dangerous. But it does mean you get to fight this battle from a place of already being loved, instead of constantly trying to earn back a love you're afraid you've lost. The cross means your worst moment with this sin doesn't get the final word.
Still, being forgiven doesn't make this sin any less destructive, and there's a real, ongoing battle worth fighting here. A few shifts in posture can help.
First, recognize that God has a plan for you. I tell this to our confirmands whenever I teach the Ten Commandments: for many of us, God has already chosen a spouse, even though you haven't met them yet. So carry that future spouse with you in your daily life.
Every week, I pray for my son Jacob's future bride. I pray she'll be raised in the Lord, treated with love and respect, and that she'll never be abused or harmed. I pray for her safety, her well-being, and for the Lord to watch over her; even though she may not be born yet. Jacob himself isn't even two. But I already know the Lord has a plan for him, so I'm praying for his future spouse now.
This idea reframes the problem of lust at a deeper level: when you look at someone else with desire, you're cheating on your future spouse before you've even met them. When you sleep with someone outside of marriage, you carry bonds and baggage from that relationship into the marriage God has planned for you. Even your choices today, long before you meet that person, will shape your future marriage in ways you can't fully see yet. So when temptation shows up, picture your future spouse and ask how this choice would affect them. Respect them enough to walk away.
Second — and this might sound a little fear-mongering, but I think it's worth saying — God is always watching. I suspect far fewer people would look at porn, masturbate, or lust after someone else if they truly believed and respected that fact. He knows your thoughts. He knows your desires. Not because He's hunting for a reason to condemn you, but because He wants what's best for you and knows exactly how destructive these choices are to your heart and well-being. He places His law in front of us for a reason. Not to crush us, but so that by following it, our lives actually go better. When we live according to His purposes, we are blessed, not because we've earned it through some works-righteousness scheme, but simply because we're chasing after God's goodness, truth, and beauty, and there's a natural blessing in walking in step with the One who made us.
Third, there are practical, earthly realities to this fight that we'd often rather avoid than deal with. Start by admitting you have a problem... that this is worth fighting, not just feeling guilty about. Consider sharing the struggle with your spouse, and/or find an accountability partner who checks in occasionally, not out of judgment, but out of real concern for you. Pay attention to what you watch, read, and surround yourself with, so the temptation isn't constantly in front of you. Put a porn blocker on your phone and computer. When the desire rises, go for a run, call a friend, or do something else to break the cycle before it takes hold. Build actual, earthly safeguards around your heart.
Fourth, this one's for those who are married. Scripture pictures marriage after the way Christ presents His Church to Himself — washed, set apart, without spot or blemish (Ephesians 5:25–27). In that same way, your spouse becomes your standard for beauty, and your faithfulness becomes the boundary of your desire. There is no one prettier than your wife, and no one more handsome than your husband. Period. That means anyone else you meet, by definition, isn't prettier or more handsome because you've already decided where your eyes and your heart belong.
Scripture describes marriage as becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and you don't invite a third party into that union, not even through a passing thought or a wandering feeling. Most marriages don't collapse in one dramatic moment; they erode... through badmouthing your spouse to friends or coworkers, through days, seasons, even decades of treating each other like opponents instead of one flesh. Separate bank accounts, constant arguing, finger-pointing, withheld intimacy — these slowly wear a marriage down, because somewhere along the way, someone stopped fighting for it, or gave their heart to someone or something else.
Anyone can marry well during the easy seasons. Choosing the right person was never about having a marriage free of trouble. It's about choosing each other again, every single day — through postpartum, exhaustion, addiction, financial strain, miscarriage, and every other hard season — and still not wanting to do life with anyone else. Keep showing up.
Lastly, I think it's worth simply naming the difference between lust and love. Lust is selfish desire, focused on taking and on immediate gratification. Love is selfless and sacrificial, focused on the other person. Lust objectifies people and chases personal pleasure; love honors and respects, seeking real intimacy. Lust takes; love gives. Lust reduces a person to an object; love sets boundaries that raise the other person up. Lust destroys; love builds. Lust pursues immediate gratification without regard for the other person's long-term spiritual or emotional health; love is patient and willing to take its time. Love is a meeting of hearts; lust breaks them. Love looks outward; lust looks inward. Lust fades; love lasts. Lust is hollow, shallow, and damaging. Love is deep, meaningful, and enduring.
Ultimately, it comes down to this: what is worth chasing? What is worth fighting for? The immediate gratification of a temporary desire, or your long-term spiritual and emotional health, a commitment to something deeper, and possibly a beautiful one-flesh union still to come? God has a plan for you. God has taught you right from wrong. God wants you to thrive and to truly enjoy your life. Let Him lead, and you will not be put to shame.
